Tom's Powerful Story
On September 8, 2008, Tom while preparing to winterize the above-ground pool with his son Joseph noticed something very wrong. His youngest Joseph, who has Down syndrome, was not in sight nor was the top to the septic tank. Tom running to his 20 year old found his son had fallen in. The metal which had been covering the 2×2 top opening to the large tank had given way. The tank was some 6-7’ deep and Tom’s son (known as Josie) was struggling in the sewage. Tom called to the workman who was working on the house that day to tell Mary Ellen (Tom’s wife) to call 911. Tom knew that unless he acted quickly, his son would either die from lack of oxygen due to the toxic gases in the tank or would drown in the muck. Then he did what every father hopes they can do in that situation, he jumped in.
Once in the septic tank Tom tried to lift Josie out of the tank with the help of the workman who was pulling from above the tank. The methane and other deadly gases were strong, with almost no fresh air to breath below the opening. Tom yelled to the workman helping, “You pull and I’ll push.” With his last words he tried again to get under Joseph to lift him when he passed out from gases and sunk below, still somehow propping Joseph up.
When Tom’s wife, Mary Ellen arrived after calling 911 all she could do was to help the workman hold Joseph up with a strap under his arms, knowing that her husband, the love of her life, her partner in God’s plan lay below giving his life to save their son.
When the paramedics arrived, they immediately pulled out and began treating Joseph. They then pulled the lifeless body of Tom out but despite their attempts, God had already called Tom to Himself.
Tom had died while freely and lovingly giving up his life so that his son could live!
His Early Life
Tom served his country while achieving his dream of flying
Tom was born April 24, 1942, and raised on a family farm near Sioux Falls, South Dakota. His mother and father were devoted Catholics who raised their 4 children to love God and His church. He worked hard as a young boy and learned about farm life while doing his chores of taking care of animals and bailing hay. All the while, as he worked on the family farm, Tom had a secret love of flying.
After graduating from college, marrying his high school and college girlfriend – Mary Ellen – he found himself trying out several jobs, but none were satisfying to him. One day, after spending an entire day with a Navy recruiter, Tom found himself embarking on fulfilling his dream of flying. He left for Pensacola, Florida on 4/1/1965 to become a Navy pilot. After flight training, Tom eventually checked out in an A7 single seat, single engine, attack fighter aircraft. His squadron, VA 86, was deployed on a combat tour to the Tonkin Gulf region aboard the USS America from April to December 1968.
Tom often thought about how much he missed his new wife and family while he was deployed, mostly during Masses aboard the America. He often wrote to Mary Ellen about how much he missed her and by now, their two very young sons. Living on an aircraft carrier meant sharing very cramped quarters, but Tom grew up in a very small house. He and his brothers slept in a living room and had to put everything away before they left for school every morning.
Tom left active duty with the Navy but remained in the Navy Reserves. He was hired by United Airlines shortly afterwards. After being furloughed by United, Tom returned to active duty as an A7 instructor pilot. He did this until he was hired by Eastern Airlines and then went back into the Navy Reserves again. His flying career took Tom and his family to many different locations all over the nation while flying several different commercial and military aircraft and accumulating tens-of-thousands of flight hours. His boyhood dream came true.
Tom's Personality
For those that got to meet and interact with Tom, no matter how long or how short, they all use common words to describe his personality: humble, quiet, holy, disciplined, joyful, gentle, capable, self-less, hard-working, helpful and just.
Tom was all of these wrapped up together.
Everyone that came in contact with Tom, first noticed his joyful, humble and gentle demeanor. St. Francis De Sales notes “there is no real strength without gentleness and there is nothing as gentle as real strength.” Tom was the personification of this. He was not a pushover by any means (especially if someone messed with his Faith or the Faith or education of his sons), however he was gentle and approachable. This speaks to why so many sought Tom’s listening ear and his prudent guidance.
Tom’s humility, joy and gentleness made him a true treasure to be around. All his friends, family and even those he coached and coached against talk about how much they “enjoyed interacting with Tom.”
Tom was quiet and just, in many ways modeling his life after St. Joseph. Tom enjoyed being behind the scenes, usually doing something to help someone. However, he didn’t have to always be “doing something.” Many family members talk about Tom’s ability to just be present whether that was playing a game with grandkids, helping someone with a task, or sitting on the couch with his wife as his large extended family enjoyed laughter while on vacation or at a family summer dinner.
Tom’s justice set him apart as it did not come with judgement. This is another reason why young people especially came to him and were comfortable sharing their struggles and faults. They knew Tom would listen, seek to understand, not judge them, but would give them guidance even if it included some tough words. A gentle person who is capable of being just without being judgmental is a powerful presence of God’s grace in the world.
His joy is something that almost everyone who interacted with Tom speaks to. A joy, a smile, a peace that he seemed always to possess. Included in this joy was “a smile” that those who spent time with him understood deeply. Saint Mother Teresa of Calcutta comments about both of these aspects of the Christian life when she says, “Peace begins with a smile” and “If you judge people, you have no time for them.” Everyone who interacted with Tom felt loved and that he wanted to spend time with them. Not only did Tom possess interior peace that came from his life of prayer and connection with Christ in the sacraments, but Tom was a joyful person. So many witnesses talk about not only his smile but his infectious laugh. In addition Tom had a wonderful sense of humor always looking for a way to find humor in something. This allowed him to “keep the big picture” in mind and not “sweat the small stuff.”
Finally, Tom was a talented, capable and hard-working man. To those around him, it seemed there was nothing that he couldn’t do. Tom was a pilot, mechanic, a plumber, a farmer, an electrician, a veterinarian, a coach, an architect, a brick-mason, and an engineer. Tom very much had a “can do” attitude about most things. And if he didn’t know how to do something he would find someone that did and had the humility to ask them for help. Despite all these talents, Tom was humble! Many of the pilots that flew with Tom, noted how good of a pilot he was but that “you would never know it” because of his quiet, humble disposition. Tom put his gifts, talents and personality at the service of God, His Church, and others. An example for us all.
One of Tom’s colleagues who shared an office space with Tom, commented about a poem Tom had on his wall. “The poem is called I asked God. It is a tremendous poem and prayer especially for a parent of a child with a disability. But the last stanza helps someone understand Tom Vander Woude when it says, ‘I asked God to help me love others, As much as He loves me, And God said, Ah, finally, you have the idea.’”
The Family Grows
Tom and Mary Ellen’s desire for their sons to know and love the true Catholic faith brought them to their new home at the farm
While flying for Eastern Airlines, Tom had much more time for his family. They lived in Marietta, Georgia, and the boys – 4 boys now – went to St. Joseph Catholic School. Due to the many moves and various hardships that they overcame, Tom and Mary Ellen became much more prayerful. A few years prior while in California they had begun faithfully saying the nightly family Rosary.
It was “the 70’s” and everything was changing. The schools, even the Catholic schools, began teaching sex education. Tom and Mary Ellen took their boys out of those classes. Tom and Mary Ellen were not pleased with this type of situation for their boys. They even rented out their house and moved into another house closer to the school so that the boys could ride their bikes home instead of having to sit in the teacher’s “break room”. They wanted their boys to be taught the true Catholic faith.
After doing some research and reading about Seton School in Manassas, Virginia, they decided to move to Northern Virginia in 1981. Seton was just beginning a boarding school at the time, but Tom said: “If the boys go, we ALL go”. So off to Virginia they all went. They initially rented a home in Haymarket, then moved to another house in Manassas. Tom always wanted to go back to the “simple life on the farm”. They learned about a 27-acre property being sold near Manassas from people they had met at All Saints Catholic Church. Tom and Mary Ellen bought the property. Since Tom always wanted to have his boys nearby, they had the property subdivided so that each of the boys – now 7 of them – had sufficient land to eventually build their own home one day.
Holy hour became a weekly commitment for Tom, Mary Ellen, and their boys
One day at a Seton graduation ceremony and Mass, two of Tom’s boys were serving as altar boys. It was at that Mass that Tom met Fr. Fasano. Tom found out that Fr. Fasano was having Holy Hour at his church at St. Michael in Annandale, VA. At that time, there weren’t many churches offering Holy Hour, nor Perpetual Adoration. After talking to Fr. Fasano and hearing one of his homilies, Tom decided to begin taking his family to St. Michael’s for Mass on Sunday and the Holly Hour on Wednesday evenings. As Fr. Fasano was re-assigned to other churches and offered Holy Hours and adoration chapels, Tom and his family followed him to his new assignments. All the while, Tom made sure his family attended both Sunday Mass and weekly Holy Hour wherever in Norther Virginia that may be. First St. Michael’s in Annandale; then St. John the Beloved in McLean; then St. Catherine of Siena in Great Falls; then St. Andrew the Apostle in Clifton.
In 2001, a new church was being started. As with many Catholic Churches, it started in a High School very near Tom’s farm in Nokesville. The new church was Holy Trinity Catholic Church, and the founding paster was Fr. Francis Peffley. Tom sensed Fr. Peffley would need help, so he asked Fr. Fasano if he minded that his family begin attending Mass and helping at the new church. Fr. Fasano encouraged Tom to move forward and help Fr. Peffley and his new church as much as possible.
Brentsville District High School became the first home of Holy Trinity Catholic Church and Tom was head of the “set up” and “take down” committees at the church every Sunday. Mary Ellen helped setting up the sanctuary. Starting at 7AM Tom made sure all the chairs and other heavy furniture were set up, while Mary Ellen served as the sacristan. After the noon Mass it was then time to “tear everything down” and pack it all away. Tom was normally there every Sunday to ensure everything was stacked away neatly. With the permission of a friendly school janitor, he also built a large cabinet at the school to store all of the liturgical articles. For the next 7 years, Tom and Mary Ellen also went to adoration every week. Tom’s time with Jesus was from 2 AM to 3AM in the morning.
Today, Holy Trinity has over 4,000 registered families. Fr. Tom Vander Woude (Tom and Mary Ellen’s eldest son) was the pastor from 2011-2024. Joseph continues to serve mass, and Mary Ellen assists with the sacristan duties. As you enter the Adoration Chapel one is greeted by a bronze plaque with a picture of Joseph and Tom next to each other. God is good…
Father to Joseph
On October 28th, 1987 the seventh son, Joseph was born with a condition called Down Syndrome (also called Trisomy 21). Tom and Mary Ellen understood there was a possibility that Joseph would have Down Syndrome since Mary Ellen was 43 years old at the time of Joseph’s birth. In addition, Mary Ellen’s first five births were by caesarian. Tom and Mary Ellen were told by doctors that each pregnancy afterwards was potentially dangerous. Still Tom and Mary Ellen embraced being pro-life. Trusting in God as they pursued His plan to have more children.
When the time came for Joseph’s birth, the labor came so quickly that the midwife was not able to make it to the farmhouse in time. As a result, Tom delivered Joseph in the farmhouse. Yet again a powerful providential image, Tom helping Mary Ellen deliver Joseph into this world. A foreshadowing of Tom delivering Joseph again, twenty years later in his final act.
As a result of having Down Syndrome Joseph had specific challenges. Despite Joseph’s slower development, especially when it came to certain “milestones” of child development such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling and speaking, Tom and Mary Ellen remained steadfast, diligent and patient in their love and commitment to his growth. However, as most anyone who has interacted with someone with Down Syndrome will say, they are often the happiest, loving and genuinely caring individuals you will ever meet. Joseph is no exception.
Joseph also is always outgoing, quick to hug and happy to see whomever he is interacting with. In many ways those persons with Down Syndrome challenge those without Down Syndrome to ask, “Why aren’t we more like them when it comes to interacting with people?” Tom understood this. He was never going to be the one to impose limitations on Joseph, probably because he was constantly surprised not only by what Joseph was capable of, but how Joseph made people happier. It can be a natural tendency as a parent or sibling of someone with special needs to assume that they will make other people feel awkward or anxious. As a result, oftentimes the parent or sibling might try to limit the interactions persons with special needs have with other people who are not close friends or family. Tom never put these limitations on Joseph. He would watch and observe but he would let Joseph be Joseph.
This “fatherly love” is something that comes out time and time again in the testimony of those that not only knew Tom, but also those that didn’t know him too well, but were able to observe him.
They were extremely involved with the development and growth of their sons, especially Joseph. One can only lookback now and see the thousands of lives that Joseph has touched because of Tom’s willingness to not put limitations on Joseph. This includes the hundreds of men who called Joseph a friend and teammate on the teams that Tom would coach. This includes even more men who got to be touched by Joseph through serving Mass with him at Holy Trinity.
From the time of Joseph’s birth until Tom’s passing, Tom and Mary Ellen dedicated their lives to his protection, education and growth. They also became pillars of pro-life support for those who have found themselves with a special needs child since the birth of their own Joseph. Especially in the 1990’s and early 2000’s when there were very few support groups and resources Tom and Mary Ellen frequently found themselves providing outreach by listening to and counseling those who were parents of a child with an intellectual or developmental disability.
Not only did Tom and Mary Ellen dedicate themselves to Joseph’s protection and education through homeschooling, Tom especially looked for every opportunity to include Joseph in whatever he did, especially his work and his coaching. Tom did this for all of his sons. Again, it was rooted in his profound understanding of his role as a father. He constantly looked for ways to do things with his sons, and for Joseph it was no different!
His Faith
A Simple Approach
Tom’s relationship with the Catholic Church was based on a simple faith in God. This simplicity most assuredly came from his roots of being a farmer. In a farmer’s world there is great peace, joy and confidence in things being simple. This was the statement that Tom lived his life by and the statement that he gave his life for: just do the right thing, every time. This was coupled with a spiritual approach to doing one’s daily duty as called by God. Tom believed that holiness in one’s vocation was fulfilled by doing one’s daily duty. In this way he understood Saint Gianna Molla’s words, “When one does one’s own duty, one must not be concerned, because God’s help will not be lacking.”
In addition to this, Tom believed that God was who He revealed Himself to be. Tom believed that Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, founded the Catholic Church. He believed the Bible to be the inspired word of God, and with Sacred Tradition explained by the Catholic Church, would provide him and his family the way not only to live but to experience everlasting life after death. Since Tom believed these things it therefore directly impacted how he and Mary Ellen would live not only their individual lives and their married life together but would also steer how they raised their sons.
Tom was a man of principles. In many ways his life can be defined as following the principle of doing the right thing.
Devotion to Our Blessed Mother
Tom instituted an annual Marian procession every May around his farm
Tom not only felt his family should pray together, but he also felt the same way about his Catholic community. What better way for a Catholic community, such as the Seton School families, to be together than a day with their Blessed Mother.
On the last Sunday in May, for many years, Tom and Mary Ellen opened up their farm to a few hundred people for a day devoted to our Blessed Mother. Tom arranged speakers to talk about various miracles, apparitions, and teachings.
They would also have a Marian Procession with a statue of the Blessed Virgin
on a floral bier being carried around the perimeter of their farm. During the procession, people would be saying the Rosary and singing Marian hymns. One unique feature of this procession were the farm animals that watched and followed the many people as they processed in solemn community around the property.
After the procession, there would be a wonderful potluck meal. Then, while adults discussed various topics of the day, the children would romp and play with the farm animals or have games in the barn. There was more than one child that fell over, or swung on a rope into, a pile of hay.
This wonderful community activity was so joyful and appealing to all, that instead of having a customary private family gathering for their oldest son’s priestly ordination, they had another Marian Procession at their farm. Hundreds of people attended and celebrated, not only the Blessed Mother and her son Jesus, but also the Vander Woude family’s newly ordained diocesan priest.
Favorite Saints
Throughout Tom’s life he had a short-list of favorite saints for various reasons.
- Joseph – It can be said that Tom modeled his life after the life of St. Joseph, the foster-father of Christ. Tom’s quiet personality punctuated by a profound humility built in him, not only a desire, but a habit of sacrificing and serving those around him. Tom strove to imitate St. Joseph in many areas especially being quiet in order to hear God’s will for his family. This in addition to the patience of St. Joseph was something Tom tried to emulate.
- Isaac Jogues – Tom became acquainted with St. Isaac Jogues and the North American Martyrs after Tom had an accident on the farm in 1990 which resulted in Tom losing the index finger on his right hand. St. Isaac Jogues lost his fingers during his torture and eventual martyrdom by the Iroquois Indians in North America. Tom’s sense of humor played out many times regarding his missing finger. Many “first hand-shakes” between Tom and a new friend resulted in Tom commenting, after he noticed the surprised look in the other person, “probably should have warned you about that.”
- Joseph Cupertino – St. Joseph of Cupertino is the patron saint of pilots and those flying, because he would levitate so frequently while praying or saying mass. As a pilot Tom had a deep devotion to St. Joseph of Cupertino. Along with the Blessed Mother, Tom and Mary Ellen would pray to St. Joseph of Cupertino for Tom’s safety when flying.
- Isidore the Farmer – St. Isidore is the patron saint of farmers and thus Tom had a close connection and devotion. It is said that St. Isidore spent countless hours in the field behind a plow communicating with God. In addition, he spent many hours at church in prayer. Most of Tom’s life was lived on a farm. Tom grew to love being a farmer and would repeatedly invoke the intercession of St. Isidore for various challenges and tasks on the farm.
Viewing and Funeral
“Myself and a few other altar servers were selected to lead the procession into the Church where the largest congregation I have ever seen gathered in that building came to pray for his soul and for his entire family. As I walked, trying to be stoic but still crying, down that long aisle at the head of the servers and many priests, it seemed to me that you simply could not have a bigger impact on a parish than Tom had on Holy Trinity. He physically, spiritually, and literally built that church. His joy and work ethic rubbed off on everyone around him, and they all gathered on that day as a show of love.”One of the young men whom Tom coached and mentored at Christendom College, said it best noting why everyone came to the viewing and the funeral. “It’s because they know that Tom would have done that for them if they had fallen into that tank just like he did for his son.” One other friend of the family noted that he arrived just a couple of minutes before the funeral Mass began. The Knights of Columbus, altar boys, family, priests, bishop and casket were in the vestibule getting ready to the start the Mass. “I remember walking in and thinking, oh my goodness. This man could very possibly be made a saint someday.” A close friend and colleague at Christendom College, put it this way about the funeral, “This is the way the funeral was. It was just an opportunity for us all to reflect and see more clearly the different aspects of this gift that we had all been given. But from God by Tom’s fidelity to the Grace of God by his responding to the gift and the call that God gave him, we all have this amazing example, this amazing inspiration of, yes, this is the way God loves us all. This is what he’s calling all of us to do. We can live this kind of life too. That was absolutely the sense that you got by being at his funeral.” A week later Tom’s body was laid to rest at Quantico National Cemetery.
